A friend and I went to see Wall-E yesterday. It’s the new animated Pixar movie and it reaches the same amazing high standards set by previous Pixar efforts: Cars, The Incredibles, and one my all-time favorites Finding Nemo. As with it’s predecessors it works on a number of levels. The animation is incredible. The characters are fun and workable for kids of all ages. There’s humor, and sight gags galore. And, there are deeper messages and themes that work for adults as well. Wall-E delivers on all counts.
I don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone who’s planning to go and see it. The trailer is available on YouTube (see it here) for those who want a preview, or you can go to Apple’s Movie Trailer site to see a number of cute little vignettes featuring little Wall-E.
Wall-E is a robot with a soul. He’s hard working. He’s loyal. He’s a romantic at heart, collecting nic-nacs from the garbage that he compresses all day every day year after year century after century. But most importantly, he’s lonely. He comes home day after day to watch scenes from Hello Dolly (see them here)- which I might add is one of two of my all-time favorite Broadway musicals (before anyone asks, the other is “My Fair Lady).
The scene that captures his imagination is a scene where Barnaby holds Irene’s hand. And, when another robot appears on the scene that’s what’s on his mind. He wants to hold her hand. Needless to say, getting to that point is the beauty of this magical movie.
Don’t read this paragraph if you don’t want to know details of the movie. Wall-E’s humanity is infectious. In fact, everyone (and everything) he comes into contact with during his travels catches it. Even those identified as “dysfunctional” and in need of repair are not immune to it. Symbolic of all of this is a small plant that Wall-E has found and put into a warn-out boot. He gives it to Eve as a gift, unaware that this is – in fact – what she has been sent to search for. Both Wall-E and Eve nurture this life, in her little belly, as a very effective metaphor. Through the journey to deliver the life that grows in her a bond develops between these two machines. In a very real way, Wall-E gives Eve life, and Eve gives him life as well. Sigh.
I talked with a trans friend the other night who said she had seen the movie and it made her cry like a baby. I get that. I’ve said before and I’ll say again that loneliness is the single-most difficult issue that many trans-people face. We often feel it core-deep and although we can fill our lives with other things to keep us busy and keep our minds off the fact that we’re all alone sometimes it can become almost overwhelming. It’s not that we don’t have friends. And, it’s not about sex either. It’s the deeper need for intimacy – for simple things like holding hands, hugging, having a shoulder to cry on – those are things so many of us long for but often our searches are futile.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve held hands with another person over the past couple of years. That’s sad. That’s what I miss. I know it sounds like high school type of stuff but many of us are thrust back to a high-school level when it comes to needing to experience relationships and courtship rights of passage. In fact, as I watched the movie the memory in my life that came to mind was the 8th-grade awkward courtship with my first girlfriend, Patti Stevens. (I can’t believe I still remember her name).
The politics of relationships can be difficult for trans people. Even the most confident of us in other roles find ourselves struggling and needy when it comes to relationships. How to act? How to react? What if it becomes physical? How to overcome the continued rejection that tends to follow once our unique history becomes known? It’s the single most difficult nut to crack, and I fear too many of us settle for less than we deserve in that regard wondering if we’ll ever have an opportunity for something better and more fulfilling.
The friend with whom I was talking about Wall-E asked if I have given up hope on finding a partner to share life with. I told her I hope that never, ever happens because if it does that will truly be a dark day in my life. I like to think that all good things come in time, and that my time will come as will all of ours. Does that mean that it will? No. It’s the hope that it will that remains alive and strong. And, like Wall-E, sometimes patience is key.
Wall-E is all of us. It’s one of those movies to see again and again because although it tugs at strings that can be painful, it’s ultimately a story of hope. We all need hope and finding ways to re-energize those batteries in ways that can make us both laugh and cry is important. I’ll be going back to see it again sometime soon.
Like Wall-E, I am a romantic at heart. I save little nic-nacs for one reason or another. I was doing some cleaning on Friday and came across a number of Greeting Cards that I bought over a year ago and had tucked away to save. Some of them have sayings that I like and I doubt that I’ll ever send them (one example: “RISK more than others think is safe. CARE more than others think is wise. DREAM more than others think is practical. EXPECT more than others think is possible.”
The other cards were lovey-type cards. I must have bought them in a particularly hopeful mood. I looked at them and considered what to do with them. After considering my options for a couple of seconds I threw them away. I decided that If I get to the point sometime where I’m feeling that way I’d like to buy cards specifically for the occasion, not use saved ones I happen to have on hand.
This isn’t meant to be a pity party. It’s more of a reality check than anything. If you want to see just how messed up it can be just look at the news last week. A trans-man was booted from a bi- dating site because he disclosed that he was transgender.
When Nick Teich created a free account on the online personals site BisexualDatingNow.com last week, he decided to disclose that he is transgender. Perhaps he shouldn’t have.”They say, tell us about yourself in your own words. And I stated, ’I’m a 25-year old trans guy living in Boston.’ … I didn’t want to mislead anyone looking at my profile, so that’s why I put that,” said Teich. Within a day he had received three “smiles,” which members send to express their interest in getting to know each other.
Teich thought little of his decision until he wrote to the site’s customer service staff about a problem he was having using the site. He exchanged e-mails with a customer service representative and after reading his profile Dupuis informed him that the site does not allow transgender users.
“I am sorry, as a transgender, our site would not meet your needs. I am afraid we have to remove your profile,” wrote Dupuis, according to an e-mail provided to Bay Windows by Teich. His profile was deleted shortly after he received the e-mail.
Are you kidding me? This man was far more honest than many of us are willing to be in an online dating profile and they kicked him off? How F*’ed up is that? It makes my blood boil.
Speaking of relationships, there’s video on YouTube that highlights what many of us experience when it comes to dating. It’s titled “How to Seduce a T Girl“:
Watch until the end. The last few seconds are funny. (I love her facial expressions).
Here’s another one titled “Dating Tips“:
She’s got a number of videos online that are well worth watching (thanks to Christine for turning me on to them!).
Speaking of Christine, I met her at the Vagina Monologues event in Los Angeles back in 2004 (can it really be that long ago?) and we’ve remained friends since. She has a video blog on Youtube and one of her recent entries is something to take to heart:
Rock on, Christine! She says it better than I could.
It’s hard to believe that the San Francisco PRIDE parade was a week ago today. Where does the time go? Trans people have been well represented as grand marshalls in various PRIDE celebrations across the country. Mara Keisling was Grand Marshall in Albuquerque. I was Grand Marshall in Denver. Regina Wells was a Grand Marshall here in Phoenix. Theresa Sparks was the Lifetime Achievement Grand Marshall in San Francisco. It’s indicative of how we are getting more involved in the broader GLBT communities in cities around the country.
In Atlanta, more than one trans person is playing a Grand Marshall role:
Transgender performance artist Scott Turner Schofield and Shonia Brown, author and publisher of African-American lesbian romance and erotica, are the festival’s 2008 grand marshals. Calpernia Addams, a transgender author and reality TV star, will act as an honorary marshal.
Read: Leaders of the pack
Lastly for today, I recently posted an entry about the uproar in San Francisco surrounding the HRC gala dinner there. I used the graphics on the left which was created several months ago for the protest at the Philadelphia HRC dinner. It is available for anyone who wants to use it. Following are 3 different versions:
1. a .jpg version to embed online.
2. a .pdf version that can be enlarge to poster size.
3. a publisher file which people can use to print out badges on standard Avery forms to wear & hand out at actions and to the dinner attendees.
Thanks to Kathy Padilla for these.
I was happy to see you spreading the Riftgirl video love – I’m a big fan and have been turning as many people on to her work as I can.
It seems that wherever I turn over the past few days, I’m hearing about the loneliness of being transgendered, especially as far as relationships are concerned. It must be that time of year…
Donna,
I took my grandkids to see Wall E yesterday and we all enjoyed it.
And I totally agree: loneliness is THE single most difficult part of our lives.
I saw Wall-E yesterday for a second time. The voice acting alone is enough to evoke tears.
*spoiler alert*
The thing I take away from it though is that, despite his loneliness, Wall-E’s hope and optimism is boundless. So much so that he changes every single thing he comes into contact with. Eve suddenly becomes self-aware. Mo can suddenly hop the little laser trail that guides his day-to-day movement. One worker droid suddenly learns to wave in greeting or farewell. And humans who haven’t lifted a finger to help themselves in something like 700 years suddenly find joy in splashing each other in the pool…and saving the planet Earth. And in the end, Wall-E’s reward is *they* save him in exactly the same way. Seems like a good lesson to me.
*end spoilers*
Oh, and Riftgirl’s stuff is fantastic. It is was Lori Davis who first directed me to her site (just as she did this one some time ago), and I haven’t been disappointed (either time).
Damnit. (Sorry.) This weekend was Atlanta Pride and I just got back to read this. I saw Wall-E, too, and it was the best feel-good movie I have seen in years. And yes, it made me cry, too. But, you just made me cry more by reading this and I can barely see the keys through the tears as I type this. I had what I thought was going to be the love of my life, but it wasn’t to be so for many reasons. But, I am crying also because we have remained very good friends and she was planning to come to Pride. Again, not to be. I have come to the conclusion that Pride is no longer any fun by yourself. I know that next year, I’ll just march in the Color Guard and that’s all if I’m single again.
Donna, you and I may not agree with a lot of things that happen on the political part of our community, but in this posting, you could not have gotten closer to my heart than if you were a surgeon. I feel exactly what you are saying here in such a strong way that I cannot help but cry.
At age 57, I am now seeing women rejecting me because of my age rather then being trans. And if the age is okay, then the trans issue kicks in. I have seen that just the “T-word” is enough to turn off women, regardless of the person’s surgical status. “What about dating other trans women,” one might ask. Been there. Done that and got the holes in my heart to prove it. I have become far more leery in wanting to start a relationship with another trans woman than a non-trans women, after all I have experienced. I have a chapter in a new book that just came out (Trans People in Love) that gives you an idea of what I have been through.
Donna, you are a wonderful person and love will indeed find you. You will become so amazed at what you are experiencing that it will make all other relationship in your life pale in comparison. It is not a statement to try an make you feel good (or me either, for that matter.) It’s a statement that is true. “What comes around, goes around.” It works for good things as well as bad things. You have a lot of good in your life, so she is out there waiting for the moment that you will meet. And, someone is waiting for me, too.
I’m sorry for the long comment. It’s just that marching in the Color Guard, in a deluge of pouring rain, thunder and lightening all around, while holding a metal pole in the air can really take a lot out of a person. I am drained physically and emotionally. Your posting hit me at the right, or wrong moment, depending on how you want to look at it. Thanks. You are a dear.
Yes, I too want to weigh in on the loneliness of trans-folk. I became Virginia in 2001, and immediately met a woman that I clicked with and she with me. We were together for 6 years, ending last year. It was a great relationship in some ways and very needy and co-dependent in other ways. It was right for us to brake up. But since then there has been no hint of another relationship. But I have been doing spiritual work around being happy alone. How has that worked? Pretty good most of the time, not too well some times.
Recently I have had extensive FFS, in the desire to look younger and more feminine. Will that pay off in a relationship? Maybe, but I am still releasing my faith in being happy alone, and if a person comes my way, and I in their way, then I trust I will recognize it.
Also, being involved with LGBT activism and other community groups is a great comfort to know that I am doing something for the enlightenment of the world.
Let us take our loneliness and offer it as a sacrifice for all those women and men who are lonely, and seek to move beyond our issues and work for a better world.
Thank you Donna, for such an honest and personal narrative of the issue.
Donna, I took my kids last Saturday during opening weekend to see it, and yes, it resonated with me on a new level. I am standing at the beginning of knowing I will may face the loneliness, that all the fellow humans and robots who comprise the innermost circle of my nuclear family will leave me. Yet, I know that though I can’t seem to help them understand that this is who I am, I know it’s too difficult to accept for some, including them.
So what’s worse than the loneliness I face? The many years of inner turmoil of feeling like I was all alone in the world with this, and that I would die feeling the same way.
If only I could show those I love that I have always loved.
Frank Rich from the NY Times also saw Wall-E and some of you may find his comments rather interesting.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinion/06rich.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
If you haven’t already found it, I highly recommend checking out riftgirl’s blog: http://beingt.blogspot.com/. She has wonderful insight into the experience of being trans and her video series, “The ‘T’ Word,” is absolutely THE funniest and most insightful commentary on all of the issues that every facet of the trans community faces that I’ve ever seen. Check it out! You won’t regret it.
Donna: Your saying that you got some “lovey” type of cards, and threw them away is one of the saddest things I ever read, and I’m typing this through tears.
I might get into (more?) trouble saying this, but it needs to be said and let the devil take the hindmost….
I know exactly what MH is saying in one of the comments. I know who she is talking about, and I thought the person was my soul mate, too. Like MH, it wasn’t to be. Why was that, you ask? How many hours of I thought about that, I have come up with some explanations.
For years I allowed myself to marginalize myself, and I lived in isolation because I bought into all of the crap out there. Every last bit of it. I thought I was second or third class and didn’t deserve love. I never learned how to love someone.
Consequently, when I met someone last year, I didn’t have a clue as to how about loving that person. The many years of being alone didn’t prepare me for it. Despite my intense desire to make it work, it just didn’t although I really wanted it to work.
But having come to the realization that self-marginalization feeds upon itself and magnifies the sense of isolation, I have found there are people who for whatever reason need me. More importantly, I am allowing myself to be needed and reaching out to people. Is it too late at 70? Probably for a love relationship, but I can still love the very dear friends in my life. There are many kinds of friendships, and it can be a scary thing to put ourselves – out there – wherever out there is. Sure, we might get hurt in the process, but even that is better than isolation. Each of us needs others in our lives, if only we had the courage to express that need and to extend our friendship to others. That’s the only way to get over lonliness.
This really resonated with me too, Donna. Though I have a wonderful soulmate, it isn’t, as you said, an issue of romance or love. It’s having people in your life who understand you and your experience. I wrote a post in response: http://transworkplace.blogspot.com/2008/07/loneliness-and-hope.html
[...] July 14, 2008 TBB talked with Donna Rose about Wall-E, Donna Rose went to see it and blogged on it. [...]
I could take the loneliness much better if I passed and looked female enough not to get abused everywhere I go, but to be lonely and still be easily read so that peole felt almost obliged to pass vile judgment on me, that is too much, as it adds to the trans person’s depression and loneliness.
Steph
[...] July 14, 2008 Donna Rose recently wrote about the animated movie, Wall-E. She points out that one of its themes is loneliness. The [...]
Donna, after reading your blog entry regarding Wall-E I just had to see the movie. I’d asked my 18 yo daughter if she might like to watch it with me, but she declined the offer. I joined the movie 25 minutes after its starting. I really enoyed what I saw and plan to watch it a second time – this time from beginning to end.
I’ve often said that the hardest part of my journey which began six years ago is the loneliness. I had never really been alone before. Thanks to Bobbi and Buddy, my two adopted kitties, I have a family with whom to share my life. What I miss most are sharing activities I enjoy and the hug from a life companion at night.