A couple of days ago Elizabeth and I pulled into Costco for gas (as a sidenote, Arizona was recently identified as having the cheapest gas in the country at the moment – we paid $176.9/gal). For some reason my Costco card wouldn’t work in the pump so after several unsuccessful tries we called for the attendant. He was a young guy – in his 20’s I’d say – and kind of cocky and jocky. As he approached, he got a smile on his face and said, “Look at the two blondes – having trouble with the gas pump”. It wasn’t what he said so much as how he said it and what he meant by it that made it so funny.
He did some sort of test on the pump and proclaimed that his “equipment was working fine”. I assured him that I had no doubt his “equipment” was in fine shape, as was mine, but that the card needed replacing. It was a fun little exchange.
Anyway – things here have been busy. Today is the day that Elizabeth goes home. As I write this it’s 3:40 am and she’s packing for her 6am flight. These good-bye’s get harder and harder. I’ll be headed back east in a couple of days, too. There are so many logistics to arrange it all seems overwhelming.
Jenny Boylan penned a fine Op/Ed piece that appeared in the NY Times yesterday titled “Is My Marriage Gay?” (read it here). It highlights the fact that some transsexual couples who were legally husband and wife before one of the partners undergoes a gender transition remain legally married afterwards. She says:
I’m in such a marriage myself and, quite frankly, my spouse and I forget most of the time that there is anything particularly unique about our family, even if we are — what is the phrase? — “differently married.”
She continues:
We accept as a basic truth the idea that everyone has the right to marry somebody. Just as fundamental is the belief that no couple should be divorced against their will.
Legal scholars can (and have) devoted themselves to the ultimately frustrating task of defining “male” and “female” as entities fixed and unmoving. A better use of their time, however, might be to focus on accepting the elusiveness of gender — and to celebrate it. Whether a marriage like mine is a same-sex marriage or some other kind is hardly the point. What matters is that my spouse and I love each other, and that our legal union has been a good thing — for us, for our children and for our community.
It’s my hope that people who are reluctant to embrace same-sex marriage will see that it has been with us, albeit in this one unusual circumstance, for years. Can we have a future in which we are more concerned with the love a family has than with the sometimes unanswerable questions of gender and identity? As of last week, it no longer seems so unthinkable. As we say in Maine, you can get there from here.
It’s a very powerful and positive piece that should be read by everyone.
It is unfortunate that more people aren’t aware of the back-story of this piece. Jenny reached out to a number of friends and peers last week to indicate that she was writing this. You may be surprised to learn that several very big players in the “activist” community pled with her to NOT run this. They employed a “sky is falling” tactic that this piece would somehow blow the cover of legal same-sex marriages and would lead to additional scrutiny that would actually hurt the community.
My own personal advice to Jenny as she went thru this process was to trust her instincts. I find that there are some who seem to feel that they’re the conductors of this broad orchestra of trans activism and, as such, can control both the message and the messagers. I truly respect the fact that Jenny did not allow this message of doom-and-gloom to deter her from publishing this piece.
I truly believe that this is another example of how we’re advancing in ways that money can’t buy, that legislation can’t force, or that organizations can’t manage. Jenny’s message of loving, commited relationships and of families is one that resonates in everyone and helps people to realize things in ways they may not have considered before. This is not something to fear, or to prevent. It is something to celebrate and I, for one, am thrilled that it has gotten the broad visibility that it has. Kudos to sister Jenny and for the triumph of good sense over fear. It’s a shame that the fear stirring came from leadership in our own community. As far as I’m concerned this is a symptom of deeper issues.
As you might imagine, a world such as Jenny paints in her writing is not embraced by everyone and, in fact, scares the bejeezes out of some. Here’s an example:
While Christians must see persons struggling with gender confusion as those who deserve our care, concern, and compassion, the worldview of the Bible leaves no allowance for sex-change procedures or legal determinations of gender change. Transgenderism and transsexualism are evidence of just how confused human beings can be. This confusion can ultimately be traced back to Genesis 3, but the demand that we can make ourselves in our own image is central to the modern cult of self-expression and personal autonomy.
We cannot make sense of life without the integrity of terms like “male” and “female,” “man” and “woman.” Even those who argue against these “binary” terms are forced to use them. This is common grace visible to all — a law written into human consciousness.
So much is at stake in this controversy. This is not just about same-sex marriage, homosexuality, or the way society should understand sexuality, marriage, and gender. This is about recognizing that the Creator has given us these categories for his glory and for our good.
Speaking of binary, I’m pretty sure that anything that Albert Mohler doesn’t like is something that I will.
Some will be surprised to learn (and others won’t) that the news that transsexuals can maintain legal same-sex marriages is a source of distress for some in the Gay and Lesbian community, as well. It may come as no surprise that those who would argue this point with me get very little ear-time.
Anyway – that’s my take and I’m sticking to it.
President Obama is coming to the Valley today to speak at the Arizona State University commencement ceremony. They’re expecting 71,000 people to sit in the 100+ degree sun for this event (details here).
It’s almost 6am so it’s time to go. I’ll have more at some point. Now that Elizabeth is leaving I’ll have more time on my hands. Sigh.
*hugs* I know it’s hard to part, even if it’s only for a short time.
About Jenny’s article, I enjoyed it and I think it’s past time for everyone to know that there are legal same sex marriages throughout the US, including States that don’t officially recognize same sex marriages.
Personally, I’m surprised it hasn’t become an issue both publicly and legally.
Brenda
My divorce from my wife of 32 years just ended in March for reasons other than me being transgender. But, she said something to me as we walked hand in hand from the courthouse where the judge decreed us to be no longer married, which I thought was profound — She said, “…maybe in 10 years we can legally remarry.” Her hope is that we get back together someday and, the fact that I will have transititioned will make that complicated. We have interesting lives and live in interesting times…
I’m one of those that felt Jenny’s artcle was unproductive in terms of its intent – namely, to help advance the marriage equality cause. It’s a great summary of why marriage equality is an especially important topic for trans folks, but it doesn’t really do anything to persuade the general public. A huge segment will immediately conclude mostly out of ignorance why Jenny’s marriage is different than the same sex marriages people have been debating (“not really a woman”, “they were man and woman when married”, “they have children together” etc.). The Op Ed makes perfect sense to Jenny and you and me, but we’re so steeped in the meaning of gender and transness. The general public will not process this in an informed and thoughtful way. In any case, good op ed, I don’t give a hoot about the doomsday stuff, but I don’t think it does anything to help the marriage equality cause.
BTW I’m just happy that, due to the effect of unintended consequences, and the law set forth in the Littleton case mentioned in the article, I can actually marry a cisgendered woman in Texas even after surgery and birth certificate change. Take that and choke on it, Focus On The Family!
While marriage equality is a worthwhile goal, it is not the only goal in terms of government recognition of how people arrange families. What is genuinely needed are laws that recognize the full spectrum of such arrangements and not just simply opposite-sex and and same-sex marriage. There are many Americans who are in interdependent economic and emotional relationships which have nothing to do with sexuality but still cry out for recognition to allow for the same kinds of ordering that the law brings to marriage.
I too urged Jenny to make her own decision about publishing her article. As I pointed out, this issue isn’t exactly a secret. I and others have blogged about it, and the NYT itself reported on a similar family in New Jersey just last year: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/27/fashion/27trans.html.
I’m glad Jenny went ahead with her article. Hiding in the shadows hoping no one will notice us is no way to live.
Uh, same faux pas that I’m used to putting in my log. I sincerely HOPE that you paid $1.769 per gallon and not the $176.9 that you stated — otherwise, it might be cheaper just to replace cars when you need gas!!
Wow, why would anyone object to a story wrote about marriage? I’m glad she wrote it. This needs to be said and not hide it. I’m not ashamed why would anyone else be? I have been married for almost 40 years and there is no divorce in sight. I am 5 years post op and for the last 10 years been living like I should have been all my life. Is someone jealous. I am only jealous of those who can write and make people understand what I’m trying to say. My words get twisted.
Tell me Donna, Why is your gas so much cheaper? Now that is something to complain about.
Sheila — this is another Donna answering your question but, typically, from state to state the difference is tax per gallon… I am in Central Texas and our price is around $2.15…
There is a lot more involved in the price than just taxes. I do know that taxes will inflate a price on anything but also the demand will also bring the price up or down. I have 35 years in the retail business. I do joke around a lot and I don’t take too much seriously.
I have no problem with this Op/ED. Jenny Boylan is a fantstic role model and seems to have done us a world of good by acting sane and rational on talk shows. As for the “Christian ” writing the article, the concept is idiotic. Bigotry and a defiance of science and medical fact is the benchmark of extremist thinking since Gallilao was arrested if not before . This idiocy lives in all relgions of the world and needs to be dscredited totally. These noodniks also think that early “man” kept dinosaurs for pets. I wonder if one his family remembers needed a kidney he’d it fight on the grounds that “God only gave you your origionals and to change that is sin”. The man is a B******G moron. He probably think Global Warming is a liberal media lie.
I also enjoyed Jenny’s article. I’m one of those people in Texas who can marry a man in one county and marry a woman in another county. I wonder what would happen if I did both? Maybe that’s a bad idea. My wife wouldn’t put up with it..
As far as Albert Mohler’s comments are concerned, I wish there was some way we could make persons with his views live in the wrong body for a while so they could experience what it’s like for us.
Julia
Sheila — Ha! My bad… although I do complain about my gas all of the time… Usually that’s priceless!
… no matter how taxing it may be to others… or what state I’m in… the old Mad magazine saying, “That’s not funny. That’s sick,” I think is applicable
I’d like to make people like that “Christian” author live in another country where he might fit in like Iran or North Korea. Totalitarian thinking crosses all religious and party lines