As I listened to the proceedings of the Prop. 8 oral arguments yesterday the endgame became pretty apparent to most who listened critically. The court is reluctant to overturn the will of the people so I’d be more than shocked to see Prop. 8 overturned. At the same time they questioned the wording and the timing and seemed to be leaning towards recognizing those 18,000 marriages that have already been performed. There’s a whole lot of commentary out there about it already so there’s no need to rehash it all here. They have 90 days to make their decision and I think their decision will be – nothing changes.
That sets the stage for some future statewide election (2010? 2012?) where the focus becomes repealing Prop. 8.
I recorded video blog #2 and uploaded it to Facebook last night. These are kinda fun to do. I’m experimenting with the best way to do this so there will be all kinds of tinkering going on but, as with anything new, it’s bound to get better.
One of the best parts of being involved with the community is making and meeting new friends. Anyone who knows me will recognize the genuine enjoyment I get from this. It never gets old, and people can never have enough friends. That begs the question – what is a friend?
In my previous life I had relationships with quite a number of people, but very few were “friends”. To me, friendship involves some level of intimacy and the thing I’ve come to learn is that when you’re hiding such a huge, foundational secret you’re really not even capable of sharing or engaging very deeply. That’s true of friend, family – and even spouses. Keeping people at arm’s length all the time has any number of deeper implications.
Finally getting to a point where you can lower those defenses can be difficult if not impossible. Intimacy involves vulerability and opening ourselves to be hurt doesn’t come easily to some of us. However, it’s critical.
I gave a talk at a corporation where someone was transitioning and one of the things that her working group was finding difficult to adjust to was the fact that, as a guy, this person was reserved, withdrawn, low-mainetnance, and generally unsocial. After she transitioned she became VERY social to the point that it was almost like she wasn’t the same person. These kinds of profound changes allow part of ourselves that we’ve felt compelled to hide to finally bubble to the surface. It’s actually very exciting (and scary), but for others the adjustment can sometimes be difficult. The point, though, is that sometimes as those barriers fall we become far more social and open to meaningful relationships in our lives.
Along this path I’ve formed all kinds of special relationships. Some have been big sister/little sister. Some have been peers that I’ve admired from afar or who have been role models but who are so open and approachable that we’ve become friends. Some come from the simple joy of watching people grow and blossom over time. Some are pen-pals who I have never met or only rarely see – we have shared quite a bit thru our conversations. There are all kinds of special relationships that I’d categorize as deeper then simply acquaintances.
Shared struggles can build very strong bonds and I feel fortunate to have a significant number of those in my life. That continually amazes me, given the fact that I once worried whether or not I was even capable of having a deep, healthy, caring relationship with others. I appreciate my friends and hope to never take them for granted.
I once felt that my destiny was to transition and then fade away. I’m glad that plan never panned out. The biggest thing I think those who choose to distance themselves from the community at some point are missing is the opportunity meet some of the most courageous, authentic, caring, vibrant people you could ever imagine meeting. I respect the reasons why people choose to go where they go – all I’m saying is that I’m happy to be part of it. In fact, I can’t imagine NOT being part of it.
Some of those friendships have come and gone for any number of reasons. For example, one of the hardest parts of leaving my roles with HRC was the subsequent loss of people I considered to be friends. The good news is that as people leave your life you’ll also have others enter.
Anyway, enough of that for today. It must be the hormones talking…
Hi Donna, I like your blogs and I so listen and read. I have found that my relationships with friends are more intimate than before. I really do like what I have found in my life. Like I have said before, we don’t stop transitioning after surgery. It has been 5 years since my surgery and I feel like I am still in the process, but not like before or when I first started hormones. I would say it more within myself and my thoughts on different ideas. I do feel that I have made an impact on people around me as I’m open about who I am. They know that this one transperson is truely a person and that I do have a heart. I was told by some last night that they were glad to meet me and that they were happy that I started work where I am now.
I know that it takes time to change social venues especially core issues about gender. People who do not openly know about transgenderism really don’t know about it. It is like I don’t know a lot about geology, I do know that it is dirt. I have some misconceptions of dirt and so if I were to talk to a geologists about dirt, I’m sure that they would come unglued and bore me a new hole. So, with most people, we have to have patience to educate them. It is not like they are mean but some just don’t understand. There are the mean ones too. So, with the new reports that come out, I’m happy that we are part of them in the future. I just don’t believe in HRC. I just wish that the trans community had some group that can approach Senators and Congresspeople to lobby for our benifit. We do have some connections with the GLB but in actuality we are totally different. We have to have meds and surgery, the GLB doesn’t. We can be spotted in some circumstances, especially when we first come out. We are too out there and we need the help from our law makers. For a lot of us, stealth is a dream.
“…as a guy, this person was reserved, withdrawn, low-mainetnance, and generally unsocial. After she transitioned she became VERY social to the point that it was almost like she wasn’t the same person….”
Funny you should write this. These exact same words (except for the word, “almost”) has been said about me very frequently by family members and past acquaintances. “ok, if you say so. I feel more alive and energetic, but otherwise ….”
Sheila, NCTE does lobby for US in Congress. I guess they just haven’t yet gotten the “Press” that has come from HRC.
I hate to be so contrived, but great blog, Donna. I’ve found friendship in the fear, connections that I’d never known possible for me. Now I almost feel compelled to be a sort of big sister (well I am 6 ft tall for God’s sake) to the many who are barely stepping out, just like so many have been a big sister to me. This world needs a lot more big brothers and sisters like the ones I’ve come to know!
Interesting for you to note that many of us change radically when we Transition. In my case it was a change from a very authoritative person to something that can smile and cry without feeling guilty, or shamed. What I have learned is that we can change to be what we want to be if we are willing to exercise one’s self in those attributes. For many it was being locked inside of a box, and upon getting out they need to shout and let loose. As for my world, having come from a landscape of abuse and hardened hearts, it was to work on being kind and sensitive. Simply, if one wishes to be seen and regarded as something, then they have to work at being that thing. Very simple, but very difficult; and I am trying! However, it is very “exciting” when one thinks about this as a second chance to re-experience life.
Hi Donna,
Just found your blog today… Awesome work girl!
The answer to the “same sex marriage” question must come from the federal courts, probably SCOTUS. Under our wonderful constitution there cannot be “separate but equal” in anything! All GLBT rights (which already exist in the U. S. Constitution) will be decided at the federal level, the states don’t have “rights” here just as the states didn’t have “rights” to decide whether or not they could allow slavery before the civil war!
About friendship… I’ve never had a close friend in my life until I decided to start coming out. As I strip away the fake male “veneer” new, true friends are emerging in my life for the first time!
Love to all of you,
Pam
“it must be the hormones talking…”
Oh, you get that way too, huh?
I’m one of those people who likes to talk a lot, but I was that way before the hormones kicked in. I’m sure there are times when someone, especially men, would like to tell me, “just shut up, would you!”
I used to drive my ex crazy, I’d be talking to somplete strangers in the grocery line, and she’s so not like that! She used to threaten to get me a t-shirt that said “Help, I’m talking, and I can’t shut up!” LOL
Yeah, once in the dark past, I was an Officer and a Gentleman with a great bedside manner. I was respected, admired, and feared… Distant. As my late husband used to say “You’re not the cop of the universe. But I also chattef people in line so it would be less boring. I was still at a safe distance at all times. Always on duty.
When I was really done with the old act and could relax and just be me, folks were stunned. For many long months I kept having people with amazement and say “you’re really not (old name) are you?” I am a very different person, but in such a good way that just highkights the difference even more. I’m close, real, available, reachable, alive. I have real, deep, meaningful friendships now. The people in and around my life enrich me, and I them…
So cool!
Hi Donna
Keep up the good work 
just wanted to say that i agree with you about friendship being about intimacy. Many of us take along time to learn what there are really about and how to get the most out of them, learning to receive as well as give.
I started reading you blog to learn more about US activism in the LGBT community from the perspective of someone who was on the inside so-to-speak. I’ve worked and volunteered for Gay and Lesbian charities here in the UK for many years. The ‘G’ taking way too much precedence imo to the almost total exclusion of the ‘L’ the ‘B’ and the ‘T’ (if those members even got a look-in). I’ve stuck with your blog(s) as you express yourself as being a warm, charismatic, thoughtful, compassionate, very giving and very caring individual.
I have grown to rely on it as a voice of sanity within the activist community rather than emotional dumping, as it is open and regularly readable to everyone and anyone imo. There are many rant-o-blogs out there and while i agree with their sentiments and their passion i find the daily diet of rant-o-thons gets very wearing after a while.. (I must be getting old!)
Anyway have a nice weekend.
I’m annoyed that the justices of the Supreme Court of California are likely to leave blatant discrimination in place just because it was enacted by a majority of voters. Imagine if they said that they were powerless to overturn discrimination against African-Americans or Latinos just because of the tyranny of the majority. That’s still my major beef — not that a majority of voters chose discrimination against people because of their sexual orientation, but that they were allowed to vote on such an issue in the first place.
About friendship, one of the great joys of my transition is that I’m forming so many more bonds with people, much better and closer bonds than I ever could when I was presenting as male. I was not anti-social before, but I was definitely more solitary. Now, although I’m no party girl, I am significantly more outgoing.
I’ve been reading a lot about the CEI. I know it’s not perfect, but I’m glad there is at least the beginning of some kind of evaluation of how companies do on LGBT issues. I’m not going to dis it.
Always enjoy your vlogs.
“Friends.” It’s a wonderful word, that can only be defined by each individual. Some say they have no friends, but many consider them their friend. Others says they have many friends, but have none in reality. I call you my friend, yet we have had major differences that cause us each to say things about the other that shouldn’t have been said.
There is one thing I finally realized. How I see you as a friend is different than how you see me as one. It doesn’t mean either one of us is wrong. As I said, it “can only be defined by each individual.” Maybe our expectations of “friendship” is different? It’s not something that needs to have a lot of thought put into it. Maybe the reason we have those blow-ups is that neither one of us has yet accepted the differences we have from one another. I don’t know. Does it really matter?
One thing is clear, though. Both of us are Pisces. After being married to one for 17 years and having several in my life I’ve called “best friends,” I know first hand that it is truly a sign where people will live up to its characteristics. Maybe I should have factored that in 11 years ago when we first met. I could have it factored in by the end of the next 11 years.