Faces of Donna

The Faces of Transition: My FFS Page

Personal Thoughts, Experiences, and Photographs

I remember a time, not all that long ago really, when the prospect of actually beginning to transition was pure fantasy. It was something "other" people did, as the thought I'd be able to successfully navigate the many difficulties involved made it little more than a frustrating mirage. It was the mid 1990's, and the miracle of the internet had opened up a world of other transgender people to me - people who were sharing their stories, people who seemed to have crossed the mountain of fear and the desert of despair to arrive at the the nirvana of fulfillment and peace.

Perhaps the most significant obstacle (other than my own slow process of self-acceptance) in my mind is that I felt doomed to exile in a body that would never appear feminine. No matter how many stories I read, though, as soon as I looked in the mirror any fantasy of moving forward was immediately deflated by my reality: my face was too masculine to transition and nothing I did would change that. Whether that was true or not is immaterial - it was real to me, and that mental block provided relative safety for several years. I felt that my face would never, ever, in a million years allow me to live the kind of life I felt had been denied through a cruel consequence of birth.

My goal was simply to fit into the box that our society expects from women. That's it. As Dr. Ousterhout explains to his patients, his goal with FFS is to provide a face that - if the UPS guy knocks at your door first thing in the morning and you hop out of bed, wipe the sleep out of your eyes, and open the door, that the guy says "Excuse me, ma'am, but...." That's the kind of life I wanted, just to be was Donna, a woman, and to not have to explain or validate my gender to anyone.

My world changed the day I stumbled upon Andrea James' website. Andrea had been an advertising executive, and her website back then is very different than it is now. It was filled with detailed, step-by-step photographs and explanations of how a surgeon in San Francisco transformed her face from that of a middle-aged man to that of a totally feminine woman. I was absolutely, totally, completely captivated that this was possible, and stunned at the results. I spent hours reading, and carefully studying the photographs that she had provided. And, little by little, as the last hurdle to accepting the fact that perhaps I could, in fact, transition faded I found myself feeling both terrified and exhilarated.

Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) is a touchy subject. It is often perceived as being exclusive to those who are wealthy - it can often cost $50K or more depending on who does it and what you have done. It conveys the same stigmas of vanity and self-indulgence that other plastic surgery procedures do in broader society. People have very strong opinions on the subject. I am not here to argue any of those things - I am simply here to share my own personal journey through photographs as a resource for those who might need one.

For me, the money I have spent on my FFS procedures have been the best investments of my life, and although there has been considerable cost, discomfort (that's the medical word for "pain"), and anxiety involved I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. It's that simple. The changes that it has enabled have been profound all the way to my core.

A picture is worth a thousand words, and to be perfectly honest when I look at these photos I’m still amazed that they’re all me. I'm not planning to detail my experience with every single procedure I've had. I'm simply here to share some photos, to share some lessons learned, and to leave it to others to do with it as they want.