Following is the text of a talk I gave at the Austin Public Library on June 29, 2003.  The talk was sponsored by the National Coalition Building Institute (NCBI).

Hidden Identities and Gender Acceptance

Imagine that you know something about yourself that seem so terrible, that to admit it would be to put all you love, all you know, and all you have spent a lifetime building, at risk.  Certainly, it such a thing exists, the first reaction would be a natural one: to hide it.  I’d venture to say that most people would do anything to prevent the teensiest inkling of a secret like that from leaking out.  Such is an existence of hiding, of lying, and of living a lie.  A Hidden Identity is born.

As we begin I’d like to introduce myself, and explain what makes me qualified to speak on this very complex and personal subject.  My name is Donna Rose.  I am what is known as a male-to-female transsexual, living the first 40 years of my life as a successful man in a man’s world.  As I approached middle age I had been married to a woman I very much loved for nearly 20 years.  We had a teenage son.  Riding a very successful career as a computer consultant for large corporations, I had cars, and money. I owned homes, and property.  At different stages of my life I had been a world-class collegiate athlete, a dutiful son to my parents, and a loving husband to my wife.

But, I had a secret.  I knew something about myself that scared me to death.  I knew something that, if exposed, could take that comfortable, tidy world and turn it upside down.  I knew that the person that others saw on the outside did not reflect the person I knew that I was on the inside, and that when I had been born a terrible mistake had gone undetected.  Over the course of my life I came to realize that my life as a man was ultimately a sham and a façade that hid the real me…the “me” you see before you today.

The process of admitting this to myself, understanding myself, and facing the issues at hand was a long and difficult one.  Self-acceptance often takes a long time.  But it is something that anyone maintaining a hidden identity must do if they have any hope to become real and authentic; to become true to themselves.  Certainly, mine is an extreme example, and I am certainly not an expert on everyone.  But I am an expert on me, and I am here to share my experience, my observations, and my perspective. 

I have written a book about my life and this unique journey of self-discovery that has led me here this evening.  It is titled, “Wrapped In Blue: A Journey of Discovery.”  More than a book about being transsexual, it is a personal story of dealing with a hidden self, and the long, painful processof becoming authentic.  It is a very personal story, and can be difficult to read by people who feel the same pain and frustration that I did.  But the fact that I’ve done what I’ve done is a victory for the human spirit, and I am finding that that, in and of itself, provides a sense of confidence and a roadmap (if you will) that others can follow, too.

My goal this evening is not to tell anyone what to do, or to provide a magic lantern that others can use to light their way on their own unique journeys of self discovery.  It is to provide different thoughts that you may be able to apply in your own lives, different perspectives that you may not have considered before, or different contexts that you may not have realized before. 

Before I get too far, I suppose I should warn that I tend to look at life, and at people, with what I consider to be a “holistic” eye.  That is, I find it difficult to dissect pieces or parts to analyze devoid of context.  Instead, I think that people and things are much too complex for such a simple approach.  In a complex system, the only way to really understand something specific is to examine it as part of a larger whole, taking into account the actions and interactions it has with other things.

That being said, I find it difficult to separate examination of people without considering the external things that affect a person’s behavior – namely “society”. 

“My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.” -- Adlai Stephensen 1952

Our society has is based on a culture.  Or perhaps, our culture is based on  our society.  I’m not sure which is more accurate.  In any event, our culture affects many things that affect our lives each and every moment of each and every day.  Perhaps more than anything, though, one of the benefits of being part of a culture is the sense of “belonging” that it provides.  We’re just like the others around us.  We share a common language, a common understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, a common “heritage”.  We generally feel comfortable there. 

If you look closely enough, you’ll realize that our society supports a curiously hypocritical agenda.  We’re taught from our youngest days to push limits and boundaries, to “Be All You Can Be!”  “Be Yourself!” We are taught to value individuality and uniqueness.  However, at the same time, behaviors are reinforced that are designed to keep us “the same” and alike.  Things that are “different” often make others uncomfortable, so for the sake of the general good those who wander outside of mainstream norms can expect pushback and, ultimately punishment. This duality can be a very confusing existence, especially for those needing to express a part of themselves that our society has deemed “bad”, or “wrong” for no other reason than because it is different, and may challenge popularly accepted paradigms.

 Henry Ford once said:

“All Fords are exactly alike, but no two men are just alike. Every new life is a new thing under the sun; there has never been anything just like it before, and never will be again. A young man ought to get that idea about himself; he should look for the single spark of individuality that makes him different from other folks, and develop that for all he is worth. Society and schools may try to iron it out of him; their tendency is to put it all in the same mold, but I say don't let that spark be lost; it is your only real claim to importance.”

Four leaf clovers are rare.  We appreciate their rare nature by celebrating them, making them a symbol of good luck to the point where finding one is worth celebrating.  However, when we find that same uniqueness in people, whether it be in sexuality, or gender expression, or any of a number of other avenues, is not celebrated nearly so enthusiastically. 

In my book, Wrapped In Blue, I write: “Our culture seems hell-bent to simplify the incredible diversities of our complex world by reducing them to polar absolutes: good or bad, right or wrong, truth or lie, boy or girl.   Things are rarely that simple.  The breadth of the human condition cannot be appreciated when viewed thru a prism that separates the entire spectrum of life into only two or three or four colors.”

A celebration of diversity is a celebration of differences, not sameness.  A diverse, open culture is a mature one, confident in both its principles and its people, promoting and accepting difference as a natural and healthy expression of the human existence.  Based on personal experience, I seriously question whether we’re there. 

We all have aspects of ourselves that we want to portray as a face to others.  In fact, it is that façade that we project to others that comprises who and what we are, as far as others are concerned.  That façade may, or may not, be an accurate reflection of the “real” us.  Certainly, we have many role-based identities to many people: as son or daughter, as father or mother, husband or wife, peer, friend, or co-worker.  Although we may not consciously acknowledge it, each identity is carefully cultivated and maintained based on expectation and need.

This multi-identity, multi-faceted personality is a healthy part of a well-rounded person.  However, it has a serious danger.  That is, as we portray our many identities to the people around us, it may become difficult to differentiate the “real” us from the person we portray to others.  There is a saying that if you tell a lie often enough, you’ll actually start to believe that it’s true.  As we progress thru life, it can become all too easy to lose ourselves in our identities, and that is indeed a sad thing.

Some people, I might even challenge that MANY people, have identities that they are afraid to show.  They have a part of their personality that they feel they cannot and must not express.  To do so would be to ruin some of the other facades that are so carefully maintained and that provide a sense of acceptance and belonging. 

The pressures to maintain a sense of security are great.  There is a psychological model known as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, that express human needs on five different levels, from basic and simple needs all the way to the most abstract and complex.  Maslow argues that we must satisfy all the needs at one level before we can progress to the next, and if a need at a lower level suddenly becomes unaddressed, we fall all the way back down, to that level.

The first level is comprised of the basic physical needs we have simply by being alive: air, water, sleep, sex.

The second level, and I would argue the most volatile and difficult of the levels, is safety.  Safety needs have to do with establishing stability and consistency in a chaotic world. These needs are mostly psychological in nature. We need the security of a home and family, or a steady job to provide an income.

Love and belongingness are next on the ladder. Humans have a desire to belong to groups: clubs, work groups, religious groups, family, gangs, etc. We need to feel loved and appreciated by others.  In short, we need to be needed.

More complex, but ultimately more satisfying needs are satisfied on higher levels.  However, if we cannot satisfy our needs for security, and for acceptance, we will never get there.

I sometimes use an analogy to help others visualize the difficulty of hiding an identity.  I suggest that people imagine the effort of keeping an ever-inflating ball under water…day after day, year after year.  Sometimes it seems easy.  Sometimes, however, our strength to keep it submerged seems to diminish, and it is often only our panic and our fear of what could happen should the ball rise to the surface that gives us the renewed vigor to force it down again.

Needless to say, keeping identities hidden take no small amount of effort.  It takes a tremendous amount of emotional and physical energy the keep that door barricaded, or that ever-inflating ball underwater; energy that could be put to far more productive and healthy use. 

The forces acting to keep our hidden secret safe are many and powerful.  There is fear.  There is guilt.  There is doubt.  There is the pressure many of us feel to maintain the status quo.  And borne out of all of this is the wonder-child of if all: denial.