What I Want to Be When I Grow Up
July 10, 2004

I post this here for a couple of reasons.  Although it's not specifically about being transgendered, I think it's important to share how this profound experience affects other parts of life.  I think many of us don't realize this.

Generally speaking, I find life to be uncommonly wonderful these days.  It's richer, more fulfilling, and generally more full than I ever imagined it could be, much less imagine it for myself.

But there's one thing, one specific thing, that causes me more angst than anything else.  I find myself wondering what I want to be when I grow up.

That may sound like an odd statement coming from a 45-year old woman well into her career.  But over the past couple of years I've come to realize a few things that actually make this a pretty common theme.

First, I've been through what I'd say is the most significant life change that a person can experience.  It's not like my penis fell off one day in the shower - I actually made it happen.  Although on one level my transition is about crossing genders, on a deeper and far more profound level  it has been my own unique path to personal fulfillment.  That one word - that one concept - fulfillment, has somehow become the driving force in my life.

I think that if transsexuals do the proper amount of soul-searching and self-discovery, one of the by-products is that they can become acutely in-tune with themselves. They need to be self-aware about how they're feeling, where they're going, what they're doing, and why they're doing it.  And frankly, I think many of these things shift over time, subtly and quietly, as changes we never imagined happen inside of us.  It's a very profound thing.

How does this connect with the theme of this essay?  Well, part of the joy I've found in my new life has been revisiting decisions that my male self - Dave - made when his motivations and his needs directed this life.  As Donna, I felt it unfair to burden my new life with those old decisions, and in fact I find that many of the things that were important to me at a different stage of my life no longer hold value; that other things have taken their place.  Life after transition has been as much a rediscovery, or re-validation of priorities, needs, and direction as anything.  I suppose I never really stopped to consider it that way before.

Looking back on things, it seems pretty obvious that it had to happen.  Although we like to reassure others, and ourselves, that we're still the same person on the inside - that only our outsides will change - for most people that's not true.  Our changes are far deeper and more profound than I think many are willing to admit.  As our sense of self changes, as our fear of fear diminishes, as our barriers fall and vast new plains where we've never allowed ourselves to roam suddenly appear on the horizon how can that help but not fundamentally change us?  It seems so obvious.  But, until things happen that cause you to look back at how you used to be or someone comments on the changes in you you probably won't recognize it.

That being said, my career has come to remind me of my life as a guy.  It is easy for me - I could do it forever.  It's safe for me - certainly my financial dependence on it is a significant consideration.  But in the end - it's ultimately unfulfilling.  It just doesn't fit any more.  I've outgrown it.  And, it's time to move on to something else.  In fact, to not move on makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite around - after having made the incredible changes in my life, to allow myself to settle for something that fills me with frustration and emptiness feels like such a cop out sometimes.  It's all very disturbing, and surprisingly complex.

Changing direction at this point is not as easy as it might sound.  At least when I transitioned womanhood was a tangible destination to aim for.  I can't say that the same holds true as I consider career options.  I know the things I enjoy doing, and the things I think I do well.  But knowing that, and having others realize them too and even pay me to do them are two totally different things.  I live in a world where constructs like leadership, courage, integrity, ingenuity, and sincerity mix with skills like management, business acumen, presentation, and any number of other things to form a foundation that can be used in any number of ways.  The problem, however, is determining where to steer myself.

I don't want to give the impression that this conundrum pushes me into depression and despair.  Far from it.  Actually, I just see it as another challenge out there to be met - another chapter of my life waiting to be written.  I'm sometimes as relieved as I am frustrated to realize that I somehow now need some sense of fulfillment in the things I do in order to actually want to do them - that wasn't always the case.  When I was a guy there was one thing at the top of my motivation list.  Money.  Cash.  The thought that I actually needed something deeper never clouded that crystal clear picture, so making decisions for myself was easy.  And although the picture has clouded thanks to all these new needs, I'm thankful for that.

Perhaps not surprisingly, I have several friends going through similar exercises - making similar realizations that their careers need some recalibration to bring them more in line with their new life perspective.  Although many of us transition successfully on the job, I think many (if not most) of us eventually move on as much out of this need for more fulfillment  as a general need to start over, to begin establishing a life new life as our true selves.  To be honest, I think employers who recognize this and who can begin to work with valuable employees early to anticipate this have the best chance of retaining their people.  But that's a whole other story.

And, that's not to say that only transsexuals experience this.  I'm sure its a common mid-life occurrence.  Whether people realize it or not, they change over the course of time.  Their needs change.  Their outlook changes.  It's inevitable But for some reason, many people don't seem to accept this so they spend a great deal of energy trying to keep things the same - things that they may have long since outgrown but that provide some sense of stability and comfort.  This is as true of careers as it is of relationships and any number of other things in our lives.

How many people do you know who are locked into marriages that have long since lost any real value?  The spark has long since faded, and they're just keeping these fragile, stale, dead relationships together because they think they're supposed to.  They don't want to admit what they consider to be failure.  In fact, many are often afraid not to, as though a dead relationship is better than NO relationship. 

Know this: Any situation/relationship/career is only as viable as it's ability to change based on the shifting needs of the people involved.  How much clearer can it be?  Accepting the obvious truth that people change - their needs change - then the relationships and careers and any number of other things in their lives need to change in order to avoid being outgrown.  It's not something to be feared.  It's something to be appreciated.

The risk of change vs. the perceived serenity (and safety) of "the same".  It's a difficult conundrum.  How to address it?

If I could put my view of life as a whole into one single word - that word would be "balance".  It may seem obvious, but as far as I'm concerned life is about balance, about moving to one side or another for any period of time but always to regaining that elusive sense of balance.  Of course, understanding where that balance point is can be a challenge in and of itself, but applying this concept of balance to home-work-life issues, or relationship issues, or money issues, or any number of other things we juggle during our day-to-day lives can be very helpful to understand why we feel so crummy when things are so obviously out of balance.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand....

I work for a Fortune 100 company, so we're pretty large.  I manage large infrastructure IT projects here.  In fact, I've been in computers for most of my career.  The reasons I got into computers in the first place were because they satisfied some need for logic in me while at the same time addressed a need to have some type of creative outlet in the things that I do.  Plus, there were lots of jobs and lots of money.  What more could I want?  It was a career that served me well until recently.

But, over the course of the past several years, things have changed.  The reasons I was hired here are no longer the things I do best, feel strongest about, and are not the best way to leverage my visibility and accomplishments for the company.  I'm hoping that such an opportunity exists here - I really do.  I don't really want to uproot myself and I do believe in the tenets that made this company great - but I suppose the proof will be in the pudding.  My needs are no secret to my direct management, and to their credit they're being generally very supportive inside the guidelines of the way our company works.  We'll just have to see how it all shakes out.

The hard part is that I don't know what to label this role that lays somewhere on my horizon.    I'd call it a "teacher-writer-speaker-advocate-workplace-change agent-working with people role".  But I recently looked on Monster.com for openings around the country for that job, and didn't find one.  Pity.  Maybe it doesn't exist yet.  Maybe it's something that needs someone to pioneer - to lead.  Or, Perhaps it's like the great white whale, and I'll never find it, or it may not find me.  Thankfully, I'm an guarded optimist and I know better.

We could spend hours discussing the sociological reality that many men gain a significant portion of their overall sense of self-worth from their careers, while many women find it in other places.  I can say that this was somewhat true for me, too, although I measured career success in terms of money and respect rather than titles.  As a consultant there were times when I'd be between contracts and my main concern at that point was my ability to be a good provider for my family - to be able to live at some level of success that would be apparent to society and would afford some level of freedom.  That is a very compelling pressure. 

We could also discuss the realities of being a woman in the workplace, which becomes a culture-shock in and of itself to transsexual women who aren't used to these restrictions.  I have several friends who have complained that they're being discriminated against because they're transsexual, and perhaps they're right.  But I caution them to consider that perhaps they're being discriminated against because they're women, that this is a reality that women face day-in and day-out, and they need to understand that becoming a woman automatically lowers the glass ceiling considerably. 

Sometimes, people ask me if I have any regrets on all the major changes in my life over these past few years.  And, I can say with consummate confidence that I do not.  I am at peace with the fact that changing genders, for me, was the last choice - the one that was left after all my strength was gone and after all my other options were exhausted - and ultimately the right one.  As other options fell by the wayside one by one and the right path gradually made itself clear to me, my comfort in heeding that call grew.  So, when it was time to make life decisions that others might have difficulty making, I felt no hesitation or question that I was doing the right thing.

That's sort of how I feel right now about this career, this role.  Although my frustration level is certainly high, when the time comes to make a major decision I'm confident that I'll be able to make it.  And, not only that, to make if for the right reasons.  When I came to work here one of my conscious goals was to make a commitment to something long-term, and expect that they'd make the same thing back to me.  I take that very seriously.  But, as with being a guy, things change - new needs come into the picture and old ones fall away.  And if I can't change to address that the danger is being left with a stale relationship that isn't working for anyone.

I think people who are most satisfied with their careers are people whose work isn't really work to them.  They do it out of some deeper interest, some deeper need, some deeper passion - and the fact that they can actually earn a living doing it is all the better.  These people find that their passion and their careers are more than aligned - they are often one and the same.  They realize that its difficult to compartmentalize your life into a home life and a business life, as both sometimes have competing needs so finding that work/life balance can become a significant energy drain.  Once it's all aligned, though, the energy and the drive in all aspects of life increases ten-fold.

Balance.  Passion.  Alignment.  Fulfillment.  Value.  These are the priorities in my life.  I need them from the things I do, and I need them from my career. 

Opportunities are like relationships.  When you're desperate for one you make bad decisions, or they're nowhere to be found.  The key is to have some faith that things happen for reasons, and that time is the key to let the right things happen.  That should not be interpreted as "don't do anything - wait for something to happen".  It means that people need to remain open to possibilities in their daily lives, and remain in touch with their needs.  When the two things come together, when something happens that just feels right, it's time to trust your instincts and it's time to make decisions.  I'll be sure to update this essay to let you know when that happens.

~DR