Some Things That I Miss....

                                    ....and other philosophical musings.

Written:  01/21/2004

Now that I've done what I've done, that I've crossed the line that kept me from living my life as me, I sometimes look back over the first 40 years of my life.  Unlike some of us, I did not hate that life.  I mean, as empty or unfulfilling or ultimately pointless as it was, I didn't hate it.  Hate is a strong word, and it's certainly not the one I'd use to describe my life before.  In fact, I take a sort of odd sense of pride in the guy I was; in the way I was able to be a guy.

Dave was a very nice guy.   He really was.  Some might describe him as somewhat aloof, or very driven, or even "testosterone poisoned" (that's my sister's quote), but I think you'd have a hard time finding someone who'd say he was a jerk, or an ass.  I take it as a compliment to know that others "mourned" his passing, that others felt a sense of sadness that he's not around anymore, that others were actually mad at me for taking him away.

Dave knew lots of people.  And lots of people thought they knew Dave.  On on a deeper level, though, he really didn't have many real friends.  But c'mon...how many guys have real friends?  Real friends that you can cry in front of...friends that you can share real personal things with...things that make you vulnerable and open?  No way.  Guys are generally far too guarded for that.  They have been conditioned to maintain their manhood at all times, which includes controlling emotion, preventing vulnerability, and generally being in control.  Who can be a real friend with all that going on?  It's a wonder guys have any friends at all.

Anyway....I digress.

My life as Dave is like the view of land from a ship that's moving farther and farther out to sea, getting smaller and smaller in the distance until one day, it may be gone altogether.  Even now, it's becoming harder to remember.  It's becoming harder to even imagine.  Time is funny like that.  And now, only a few years removed from any semblance of life as a guy, I sometimes sit and remember some of the things that I miss in life...things I had before that I don't have now...before it's too late.  Before the sight of land is lost for good.

Have you ever noticed that life is like bartering?  You have to give something to get something.  Very few things are totally give, or totally get.  There are always trade-offs, and I suppose we generally hope that we make wise ones...trading away more things that we don't want for more things that we do. 

Or, it's like gambling.  You're asked to gamble things you think you have for things you think you want.  Hmmm.  That's an interesting conundrum.  Being transgendered is like other things in life.  What are you willing to risk?  Everything?  Nothing?  Or, do you want to play it safe and just watch others play the game, finding reasons and excuses not to play yourself....unable to find the nerve to gamble...satisfied that good enough really is good enough.  If you're not going to risk any of the cards in your hand, you need to be happy with the cards your dealt.

Sometimes the stakes are high; the risks are great.  And we like to think that the rewards are equally as valuable, or great.  Sometimes they are, sometimes they're not.  That's the gamble, right?  In fact, that's what makes so many things so hard...that we're risking some things in our life for the sake of other unknown things that we hope will be just as good, or better.  It's like playing "Let's Make A Gender Deal", and risking it all for what's behind curtain number 2...hoping that it's a vagina and a ticket for a happy life as a woman. 

To expect someone to risk everything, and lose, without gaining anything in return, is pretty crazy.  Who would do that?  Someone who is desperate, that's who.  Someone who as nothing to lose.  Or, someone willing to take a risk, and isn't afraid to start over if they lose.  Or, a fool.  Sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference.

Often, the hardest things to gamble, to really gamble, is safety.  And Comfort.  For anyone who's ever studied psychology you might remember Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  Safety needs are near the bottom of the Pyramid...meaning they're some of the most basic needs we, as people, have.  They need to be satisfied before we can move on to some of the higher, more advanced states of being.

What's respect worth?  Are you ready to gamble it?  Or acceptance?  Or power?  Or a feeling of belonging?  Or love?  Are any of us really ready to risk or gamble losing any of those things once we've gained them to some degree or another?  For something we can't explain?  For something that might not even exist?  Those are hard, hard questions.  And, while we may think we're ready to gamble, when it comes time to put the chips on the table  far more of us step away than forward.  Or, when we've gambled and lost (or sometimes when we even think about losing), we find ourselves scrambling to get it back again.  But it's gone.

For those who've never experienced it, changing genders is just like that.  In fact, any large life change is like that.  It's just part of this game called life.  I think part of the problem is that many people fail to realize that, to win at this game, it really doesn't matter who ends up with the most chips.  That's a fool's game.  The key to winning, or even playing at all, is what you do with the chips you do have. 

For male-to-female transsexuals,  many people tend to look at the obvious trade-off:  trading in the privilege and  the "honor" of manhood for arguable womanhood in a patriarchal society that often treats women as second class citizens, that has double standards that are generally not very fair for women, that cause lots of women to wish they were men!  All of that power comes with the penis!  Isn't that amazing?  That really wasn't all that hard for me to gamble, because I never really asked for it in the first place.

To be honest, the things that are of the most value to me now are not the big things.  They're not the things most people would probably even stop to think about for a split second.  In fact, I think most people would consider them to be trivial and insignificant in the scheme of things.  But for me, each time they happen is a brand new reminder of what I've gambled, and what I've gained.  And it provides a simple sense of satisfaction that I just can't describe.

Just as an example, let's consider our sense of sight for a second.  What's it worth?  Those of us who can see take it for granted.  We use our eyes to see each and every day, and rarely stop to think about how complex it is for our eyes, and our rods and cones, and our brain, to work together to provide the beauty of sight.  But, take it away for a while, or forever, and I assure you you'll gain a tremendous appreciation for it very quickly.

One of the things that really makes me happy is to go into a restaurant with some friends, and to be greeted by a pleasant waiter.  "Good evening, ladies," he'll say in a pleasant tone.  "What can I get for you this evening?"  Given a glass of wine or two, I just want to hug the guy, and thank him.  Sometimes, I just want to ask him to greet us again.

Or, to be called "ma'am".  I love that.  I fought for that!  And to know that it comes honestly and sincerely is a tremendous source of comfort and pride for me.

Or, ladies bathrooms.  Have you ever seen how amazing some women's bathrooms are?  You probably wouldn't really appreciate it unless you've ever been in a men's room.  I mean, I remember visiting one friend in San Jose and we stopped at a nice hotel there just so we could see the bathrooms!  There are couches, and overstuffed chairs, and nice pastel colors...it's beautiful.  Take my word for it....coming from a person who has peed into the sink at football games before.  I'll be honest...if some of these bathrooms just put a TV in there, I'd never want to leave.

Or putting on my makeup in the morning.  My son will stand there at the bathroom door, watching me carefully do it just like I did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before....it never seems to get old.  Sometimes he'll ask, "Why the heck do you take all that time to do that?"  And I'll put down my mascara, look him straight in the eye, and tell him, "Because I can."

People sometimes ask if I'm happy now and generally, I am.  But I consider 'happiness' to be one of those transient emotions, like being grumpy, or being hungry.  It comes and goes, depending on any variety of factors: the sun, the moon, hormones, or sometimes just what side of the bed you wake up on.  It would be unfair of me to say that I wasn't happy as Dave sometimes, because I was.  It may be splitting hairs, but the big distinction between my life today and my life before is my newfound sense of self, a self-fulfillment, a contentment...a sense of calm and peace.  Those are the things that had been missing.  And those are the things I've gained.

But for all I've gained, I've lost, too.  I'm not saying I've lost some of these things forever...in fact I'd be crushed to realize that I have.  But for now, let's just say that there are some things that I had, and remember, and miss not having now.

For example...confidence.  Not your general, every-day confidence....that's all an act as far as I can tell.  Whether you have it or don't really isn't the question.  The confidence I'm talking about is the kind that provides a feeling like you fit in...feeling a part of something...feel "the same".  I don't have that.  When I'm with a large group of women, I know I'm different.  I know I don't have the same life experiences that they do.  I don't have the same perspective that they do.  I've never had a baby.  I've never been violated, or raped.  I've never had someone physically abuse me.  I'm not saying I want those things...I'm saying that the fact that I don't even imagine them ever happening to me makes me different.  However, those are the realities of life for many, many women.  But I know I'm different.  I'll probably never know what it's like to be afraid of being sexually violated...I pity the poor fool who even tries it because he's in for a real surprise. 

It's odd, but in this interesting paradox of life, I really appreciate being different, too.  In fact, it's one of the things I enjoy most about me.  I'm different.  I'm not the same.  I appreciate having the unique perspective of having experienced what I consider to be the best of both worlds.  There is value there.  Genetic women often seem drawn to the sense of strength and confidence that apparently I have.  That's not what I miss.  I miss the comfort of being around people who are just like you, people who have common experience and thought.  There's a comfort that comes from that.  That's what I miss.

I don't miss any of the typically "boy" things that I can remember.  I never got into those, anyways....tools, or engines, or sporty cars, or spitting.  In fact, I'm actually pretty happy to be rid of those things.  Adios.  And the "boy" things I did do, I can still do now if I want.  I can still watch football if I want to.  I can still go to the fitness center and lift weights, or run.  I don't miss being one of the guys, either, because I sometimes wonder if I was ever a real "guy" to begin with! 

Also, I don't miss any of the things I probably missed by not having grown up as a girl.  I don't miss not being a cheerleader, or buying a prom dress with my mom.  I don't miss having my period.  I don't miss not getting an engagement ring, or having sleepovers with the girls.  I might wish that this big cosmic mistake never happened in the first place and that those experiences were part of my life, but since I never had those things in the first place, how could I miss them?  In their place I had things that most girls will never experience, some of which were actually okay, so although I certainly can't replace not doing those things, I don't waste time or emotional energy pining for things that never were.  All I can do now is try to make up for lost time.

But to be honest - totally, perfectly bluntly honest - the one thing that I miss most, more than anything else I can think of.....is being in love.  I'm not saying I'm lonely, as that's not really it.  I'm not saying that I miss being loved, as that's not really it, either.

What I miss is, being in love.  I miss the feeling you get when you're in a brand new relationship...the tingly sensations you get when you kiss...the awkwardness of trying to do the right thing...the ultimate "newness" of it all.  I miss the feeling of having someone who will hold me and love me no matter what.  I miss being in love. 

I'm not talking about sex here.  Au contraire.  I can have sex all I want.  That's not an issue.  I hate to be crass, but I've got a pussy, and a needy pussy can always find sex.  No no no.   I'm talking about the spiritual fulfillment of being in love.

Early in my transition, a dear friend (who happened to be a woman) told me that her ultimate wish for me was to be in love while on estrogen.  She told me that the kick in the pants that being in love as a woman would be for me would rock my world.  I've remembered that conversation hundreds and hundreds of times.  And, I know in my heart she's right.

And, when my mom first learned about my situation she confided to my sister that one of her greatest worries is that I'd be lonely.  She was afraid that the rest of the world wouldn't want to know me for me...choosing instead to see me as just a transsexual.  Frankly, I think that's a fear that many of us share...and all to often we're well justified in our concern. 

When we have our surgery...THAT surgery....one of the risks is that we'll never be able to have an orgasm again.  Ever.  It's a very delicate surgery, and although all the working parts are there to make it work....it's not a foregone conclusion.  One wrong snip and it can all be gone.  Can you imagine trading in your ability to have an orgasm for some sense of self-fulfillment?  Where would the sexual tension go?  I'm glad I don't have that problem....

Well, that's the same tradeoff that I see for being in love.  Being in love, for self-fulfillment.  Don't you need one to have the other?  Apparently not.  As with the risk of never having an orgasm again, it's a very real possibility.  But, being an eternal optimist, I hope I don't have that problem.  I hope I'm not here in ten years writing, "I think I remember what it was like being in love.  It was so long ago that I don't remember it clearly, but I do remember that I liked it."  That would be just too sad.

I miss being part of a couple; part of a family. I miss having someone whose hair I can stroke for hours on end.  I miss looking deeply into someone's eyes, and seeing their soul.  I miss having someone to share things with.  I miss being hugged.  I miss getting little gifts for no reason at all.  I miss plotting simple silly ways to make my honey smile.

I miss falling asleep in someone's arms, and then waking to the intoxicating aroma coffee and pancakes.  I miss not having to do something because I know my honey will take care of it.  I miss being appreciated for who I am, not what I am or am not.   I miss waking up with someone, and not caring what I look like. 

I miss hearing a silly love song, and not feeling sad. 

As I say....I miss being in love.

When I was a guy, every year on my birthday I'd blow out the candles on my cake and make my wish.  It was always the same.  I'd wish, "Next year, I hope I'm a woman!" and I'd blow with all my might.  Needless to say, I don't wish that anymore.  A new wish has taken it's place.   As I face a cake with so many burning candles that it looks like someone coated it with lighter fluid and set it aflame, I have a new wish.  And, although I know it's probably bad luck to share our wishes (especially with strangers), I'm thankfully not superstitious so I'll tell you what my wish is.  It's to fall in love.  Really in love.  And, perhaps even more importantly, to be loved back.

As I remember the feeling of being in love, I find it to be a double-edged sword.  To forget as the waves of time put more distance between me and it would relieve some of the pain at having lost it.  But then again, it would dull the hope of ever regaining it.