Featured work: Wrapped in Blue: A Journey of Discovery
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This Article is part of a month-long series to celebrate
Texas Authors who were invited to the Texas Book Festival. In July 1997, Donna Rose—born David—began her gender transition as a male-to-female transsexual. Wrapped in Blue: A Journey of Discovery tells an essentially human story of the journey to find one's true identity. Here, she explains how the book took shape, how her life has changed since she became female, and how transsexuals must travel a long road to find acceptance. |
TexasMonthly.com: Tell us about writing Wrapped in Blue.
At what point did you start to see a book taking shape from your experience, and
how did it develop from there?
Donna Rose: I didn't actually start out with any intention of writing a book. During my gender transition I had started a journal, more out of the need for some avenue to express all the confusion and emotion that was suddenly flooding me than anything. My journal became my personal confidant—my own personal sounding board that never judged me, or criticized me, or second-guessed me. Somehow, I found the process of expressing my thoughts and emotions in words helped to relieve some of the pressure at a time when I needed every outlet for my stress that I could find. And, in an odd way, it all seemed to make more sense if I could find a way to express it on paper.
A year after my final surgery I was living in Texas. Although I had moved on, I felt a nagging feeling of unfinished business and an inexplicable urge to revisit that time of my life. So I started to put together all of the journal entries, e-mails, letters, notes, photos, and various other documents that I had collected, and I put them into a single record. After nearly nine months it was done—a six-hundred-page comprehensive document covering 1996 through the end of 2000.
Somewhere along the way I began to realize that my story could have value to others besides me. Perhaps most important, I began to realize that the things I had felt and done were not specific to a gender transition. They are integral to any effort of self-discovery: dealing with fear, courage, doubt, honesty, confusion, strength, weakness—they're all there and they're all universally human.
I showed my raw manuscript to some writers from the Writers' League of Texas
for their impressions. Would this make an interesting book? Was the writing any
good? Should I actively pursue making this happen? The answer was yes on all
counts. Even more helpful were the suggestions for putting the story into an
overall context. Nearly a year later, the manuscript that would eventually
become Wrapped in Blue was complete.
TexasMonthly.com: Not only does this book deal with an intensely personal subject, but it's a subject that is rarely dealt with openly. Were you concerned about how the book would be received? To what extent did those concerns influence your writing?
DR: Absolutely. As I considered my story, I found an odd paradox: that the power of the story came from the depth of the self-disclosure. However, my own comfort factor at sharing that much of myself was not high. In fact, overcoming that reluctance to open my personal life to others was as much of an obstacle to overcome as anything directly concerned with getting the book published.
As I wrote, I did make special efforts to ensure that others who were part of my life and who are included in the book are portrayed as sensitively as possible. One of the unique aspects about writing a memoir is that the characters are real people, and in many cases they are (or were) important to us. This is particularly true about my ex-wife. I did not want to come off as having some axe to grind, or some vendetta to "get even" with her. She is not the villain in this story.
Certainly, I can't control how others react to my book. I think that's both
the power and the bane of writing. When others read it and translate it based on
their own experience and perspective, the words on the page become a message in
the mind. We hope that our general message is clear enough for others to
identify and embrace, but in the end the writing really does take on a life of
its own.
TexasMonthly.com: What challenges did you contend with to get your book published?
DR: Once I became committed to actually publishing my story, I pursued traditional routes and found dead-ends everywhere I turned. I have a folder full of rejections from agents and publishers, and I struggled to determine whether the difficulty was due to the fact that I was a first-time author competing with untold thousands of others, whether sensitivity to the perceived subject matter doomed any attempt to have it published, or whether the writing really wasn't that good.
I think the most important thing that I did was to somehow find an editor
with an uncommon sense of empathy, who truly believed in the value and power of
my story. I had always hoped to be able to find someone who felt as passionate
about my story as I was, and I found that person in Mindy Reed. Mindy provided
proof of the universal nature of the message and of the quality of the writing.
Her guidance and support buoyed me through all of the rejection. She explained
my various publishing options, was a valuable sounding board for validating the
decisions I was making, and in a very real sense she gave this book life.
TexasMonthly.com: Did your desire to speak publicly about your experience develop with the writing of Wrapped in Blue, or was it something you already wanted to do?
DR: Actually, my book is the culmination of the positive experience and the level of comfort gained during my early speaking opportunities. The first time that I spoke to a group of students was a very scary experience for me. The thought of talking to a group of strangers about deeply personal things that I had struggled for years to hide, and to hope that they could understand things that I barely understood myself, caused me to seriously consider whether this was something I wanted to do.
Thankfully, I found my first speaking experience to be a very positive one,
and the unique connection that we seemed to form during that talk provided the
impetus to pursue other speaking opportunities. I found that others often asked
questions that I hadn't considered before, and helped me to understand what
others were wondering about transsexuals. And to my growing amazement, I started
to realize that I could share my story and still not compromise my personal
life. I could be "out" in some aspects of my life, and not out in others. That
was huge for me.
TexasMonthly.com: When did you move to Texas? What impact has your move to Texas had on your journey?
DR: I moved to Texas in November of 2000, shortly after all of the surgeries that made my physical transition complete. I came here for three reasons: First and foremost was for my job, which is based near Austin. Second was the fact that my mom lives in Texas and it provided an opportunity to be near her. And third was the fact that I didn't know a single soul here, and nobody knew me.
In a very real sense, moving to Texas was a new beginning in my life. My original goal was to move here and not tell anyone about my unique history for fear that the discomfort that somehow seemed to taint the relationships in my life during my transition would somehow infect my new life. I wanted to give Donna an opportunity for the life she had struggled to achieve for so long and that she deserved, and I somehow felt that adding all that baggage into the equation would jeopardize that.
I'll be honest by saying that Texas is not a good place to be a transsexual.
It's certainly not easy being a transsexual anywhere, but Texas has a reputation
and a history that is not kind to us. Friends expressed concern, and more than a
little sympathy, upon learning that I was moving here. And I must admit to some
level of anxiety based on my own preconceptions of what it's like to live here.
I've been pleasantly surprised, and I've changed my mind somewhat. I think part
of that has come through direct experience, and part has come with continuing
maturity. I've come to realize that Texas (well, Austin, anyway) really isn't
what I had originally envisioned or feared. However, laws and politicians here
still represent a conservatism that directly affects my rights and my life, so I
continue to be wary and vigilant about the future.
TexasMonthly.com: You are in such an intriguing position as someone who has experienced life—and society—as both a man and a woman. Among those who aren't aware of your transformation, what differences have you noticed in the ways you've been treated or the interactions you've had with others since becoming a woman?
DR: I find that nearly everything about my day-to-day interaction with others has changed since I changed genders. That includes things most people never even think about. For example, when I was a guy, people gave me more "personal space" than they do now. In fact, people seem to feel the freedom to touch me now—they would never dare cross that personal boundary when I was a guy. Men often talk to me in a different, sometimes almost condescending, tone of voice—the tone of voice between two guys is generally commanding and strong. They sometimes even use shorter, simpler words with me, or feel a need to explain seemingly obvious things to me. Even the topics that others talk to me about have changed somehow. I think men try to intimidate me more now, which I sometimes actually find funny. But at the same time, men open doors for me or let me onto or off of an elevator first. They will sometimes start chitchatting with me as we're standing in line or waiting for an elevator—they never used to do that when I was a guy.
Women confide more personal things to me than I would ever have shared as a
guy. Women look to other women for understanding and support far more than they
look to men, or than men look to other men. When I was a guy I never had to
worry that a man was talking to my chest, and not to my face. Women compliment
each other a lot, which is something I never experienced as a guy, either. I
could go on and on.
TexasMonthly.com: You've obviously become a committed speaker and public figure on the subject of transsexuality and gender. What changes would you most like to see as a result of your efforts to communicate with and educate others?
DR: I think most transsexuals just want the same sense of dignity and respect that most people take for granted. We want to be accepted for who we are, not hated and scorned for what we are or what others perceive us to be. We want people to appreciate the often painful struggles we've endured to accept our true selves as an indication of courage and strength. We want the same rights to have a stable job and home as everyone else does. We don't want to live in fear that our parental rights, marriages, and our very identities can be called into question. We want to be able to live free from the threat of violence or intimidation. We desperately want to be accepted by our friends and family, instead of finding ourselves deserted at a time when we need them most. We want an opportunity to live a happy, fulfilling life, free of prejudice and stigma.
I realize that may seem to be asking a lot, but they're things that most
people have and take for granted. Sadly, lots of difficult work needs to be
done, and many things need to change. Public perception needs to change. The
fear and prejudice that somehow cloud this issue need to be addressed. And the
only way for that to happen is for people to share their stories and to stand up
as role models for others.
TexasMonthly.com: What other books on the subjects of sexuality and gender influenced or helped you with your transition and the writing of your own book?
DR: The book that had the single greatest impact on my transition, and
perhaps on my entire life, is titled True Selves: Understanding
Transsexualism—For Families, Friends, Coworkers and Helping Professionals
by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley. The first time I met with my
psychologist she suggested that I read it. It was honest. It was informative. It
answered questions that I had been asking about myself for years. And it helped
me to realize that I'd be okay. When I first "came out" to my mom, I gave her a
copy of the book because it provided a far more understandable explanation than
I could ever have hoped to provide. At this point I think there are at least
half a dozen copies of the book on the bookshelves of my family and friends.
TexasMonthly.com: What's next for you? Do you plan to continue writing and speaking?
DR: Yes. I enjoy writing, and I'm already planning a second book.
I'm looking for opportunities to work with businesses and universities to discuss and develop diversity initiatives. I've found that I enjoy teaching, and hope to be able to continue my education. I look forward to getting more involved in national organizations and efforts. And I look forward to spending time at home with my son.
I sometimes wonder if maybe, just maybe, I've found my purpose here. I suppose time will tell.