Know Thyself

Inscription at the Oracle of Apollo at Delphi, Greece

How many people can say they know themselves?  Really know themselves?

It may sound silly to ask such a seemingly simple question, but if you think about it you'll see it really isn't so simple after all.

I think I know myself pretty well.  I've spent more than my fair share of time getting to know me, getting to know the real me, as I struggled with my situation and where it would ultimately lead.  I think any journey of self-discovery requires a significant amount of introspection, and this is certainly no exception. Believe me, I've paid my dues.

Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is the real purpose of my life?  And ultimately, will it even matter?  These are deep, deep questions that people have asked for as long as people have been able to think for themselves.  They are the foundations for philosophy, religion, science, entire cultures and civilizations throughout history. In my mind, the fact that we even ask these questions is one of the key things that differentiates us from other creatures on the earth.

During my own introspection, I must admit that I never sought eternal truths.  I never tried to find the meaning of life.  Rather, I tried to find the meaning of my life.  I'm pleased to report that I'm comfortable with the answers I've found.

How does one get to know themselves?  How does one attain self-knowledge?  Somehow, it seems like questions best answered by some Buddhist shaman or some Taoist priest.  There are thousands of self-help books, and speakers, and seminars with various strategies to get to know ourselves better, and to find happiness (for a price, of course).

I think the first thing is to recognize the need to know yourself.   Realize that you have the ability to do it.  Know that we each have the ability to look inward, to question ourselves, to learn our way by “feel”, rather than by reason or emotion.

I gave myself the opportunity to have as much quiet “me” time as I could.  Time away from the concerns and the craziness of my life.  Quiet, reflective time to let my mind wander, to let myself turn itself inward.

To be honest, I had never taken the time to do that as a guy.  I had never found a need to know myself.  In fact, I think sometimes we avoid getting to know ourselves because we’re afraid of what we might find.  What’s the impact of doing some deep soul-searching, only to realize that we’re middle aged and our lives are floating aimlessly to wherever the winds of fate take it?  There seems to be a “Don’t look too deeply because you might not like what you find” mentality.  Or a “Don’t look too deep, because you might realize that it really isn’t all that deep anyway,” fear.  If we’re afraid to learn the answers, we never seem to ask the questions.  Not a good excuse.

I found I needed to set the mood to do a little soul wandering.  Sometimes, I'd go home to my little apartment after a long day of being ignored at work, ignored by my wife and son, and generally mentally beat up by the world.  I'd light a bunch of candles, turn off all the lights, turn on some quiet soft jazz, get comfortable, and lie down in the middle of the living room in a pile of throw pillows.  Or, I’d take a long, hot bath…and close my eyes, letting my mind wander where it wanted to go.  Hours would pass.  And I'd find myself at peace.

I did some of my best thinking on a treadmill, as my mind seems to go someplace to keep it from realizing how tired my legs and lungs are getting.  Things would start to make sense that hadn’t made sense before.  Ideas would pop in my head right out of thin air, and I’d make a mental note of it in hopes I wouldn’t forget once I was out of the “zone”.

Take the time to get to know thyself, to become comfortable with yourself.  Walk in your own truth.  Then, feel at peace with yourself. 

Know, however, that there are others who won't like your answers, no matter what you do.  Others will do what they can to cause you to question yourself.  They'll challenge you with sharp words like selfish, delusional, obligation, deceit, sin, and freak.  Knowing thyself, and being thyself, are not always one in the same.

I quickly learned that people who really have no stake in my life, other than seeming to feel free to tell me how to live it, somehow have an opinion about me.  And what's more, they feel free to tell me about it.  Certainly everyone is entitled to an opinion.  The problem is when someone's opinion, especially an ignorant one, affects my life.

Here's a recent example:

"You are DAME STUPID to change the image that God gave you when you first came into this world. Get real & hope that you will have alot of problems for the rest of your life. If you were born a man stay a man if you were born a woman stay a woman. The doctor that did the change has no brains neither."
 

Hmmmm.  Kinda scary, yes?

I used to think that others could choose to accept, or not accept, what I've done.  I got angry and frustrated that others would choose not to understand, that they'd close their eyes to answers that seemed so obvious to me.   

Well, notes like this, life experience, and maturity, have all helped to change my perspective somewhat.  My current thinking is that many people are actually incapable of reconciling this.  Some people do not have minds that handle abstract thought very well, so to expect them to be able to consider that sex and gender are different, and that sexuality and gender are different, and that the link between these things that most people seem to take for granted really might not be there, is to expect something from them that they're not capable of doing.

I'm not saying people are stupid (although, of course, some are - see above).  I'm saying that many people just don't seem to have whatever skill that helps our brains grasp the ambiguity of the larger problems at work here. I'm saying that to expect people to be able to understand things that they're not capable of understanding is the same as being angry because your six year old child can't seem to grasp calculus or linear geometry.  It's just not there.  It's just not going to happen.

That's not to say this is a lost cause....far from it.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Approaching life with the understanding that most people cling to some sense of stability, to some sense of order in the chaos of the universe, and are unable to let go of those fundamental constants for fear of plummeting headlong into a world turned upside down is key to understanding people in general.  And whereas my initial hope was to help others understand what we're about, that we're not a threat, I've since changed that approach for more modest goals. 

Rather than expect that others can understand, or even accept what I've done, my goal today is to at least help others respect my right to be me.  Transsexuals are no threat to some perceived universal order.  We're no threat to anyone.  Our need to be ourselves is not a reflection on anyone.  BUT, how others react to it is. 

To some, my life story is simply the story of a transsexual, nothing more.  In that narrow view, we're often considered to be freakish curiosities who is either too mentally ill, confused, or sexually deviant to make decisions that seem natural and obvious to "normal" people.  No matter how many times these people read it, or see it, this story never becomes more than that to them. 

But to others, who are able to think in a more general and abstract way, my story is not just about being transsexual - that's just an interesting (and admittedly unique) detail.  Rather, in the bigger sense this is one person's story about being human.  It's a story about dealing with fear, ignorance, confusion, anger, sadness, love, hate, need, hurt...it's dealing with things we all face each and every day.  It's about finding direction in life.  It's about finding the ultimate meaning to "Why am I here?".  It's about dealing with expectations, and obligations, and how much each of us owes ourselves to live our lives.  It's about the never-ending search for happiness, for peace, and for acceptance.  It's about dealing with loss, the joy of discovery, fear of the unknown, taking risks, and making mistakes.  It's about taking control of our lives, instead of letting our lives control us.  In a very real sense, it's about being human. 

What am I hoping for?  Understanding would be nice, but frankly I think that's a tall order.  I sometimes wonder if I really understand a lot of this stuff myself, so how can I expect others, who haven't had a lifetime to consider it, to understand. 

Acceptance?  That would be nice, too.  It's nice to be accepted.  But frankly, in the end, I don't know that acceptance is what I'm ultimately expecting either.  Some people will never, ever accept this, no matter what we do or how hard we try.  I would be nice to think that the people who love us will accept us, no matter what, but in the end that may or may not happen.  I see it every single day.  I know it's true. 

I just got this yesterday from someone named Keith...it's only the most recent example of people who have an opinion about me and the direction I've set for my life (but need some spelling help):

The minimum I think I can realistically hope to achieve is not understanding, or acceptance.  It's actually something far more valuable, far more precious, and far more elusive.  It's something I think we all want, and expect, as people.  It's respect.  Others don't have to understand it, or like it.  But they do need to respect my right to live my life.

Not respect in the typical sense, as I don't really expect others to respect me as a person (especially if they can't understand or accept).  Rather, I hope others can respect my right to be me, to live my life the way I want, to be at peace with the world.  I really don't think that's too much to ask, or to expect - for anyone.  In fact, I won't accept anything less.

Respect.  I hope for a life where I don't have to explain myself, or defend myself, or apologize for myself because others can't understand or accept.  The same as I really have no right to tell someone else who to be or how to live their own lives, I expect that same respect for my right to be me.  And whereas understanding and acceptance are certainly desirable goals, all I really want to do is to be. 

Know thyself.  Be prepared to find things about yourself that you don't like, and others that you do.  Be ready to make changes.  Be ready to see things in a new way. Be ready to do things that others can't understand, or accept. 

Know thyself.  Be thyself.  Find peace.