Forgiveness

"Everything Changes" - Staind

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close,
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal.

[Chorus:]
But everything changes
If I could 
Turn back the years
If you could 
Learn to forgive me
Then I could 
Learn to feel.

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real.

[Chorus]

When it's just me and you.
Who knows what we could do.
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day.

[Chorus]

Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?.
It wouldn't change how you feel.

It so represents something I've only recently learned. I've only recently gotten to a point where I've recognized the key role that the concept of "Forgiveness" plays in coming to a sense of inner peace. This essay tries to explain some of the things I've discovered in my own journey. You may agree. Perhaps not. As with all my writing I put this out there for others to consider and to use as they feel appropriate. There are no universal truths here.

Some would say that being transgender is about gender. Perhaps on the outside it is. To me, though, it's so much deeper than that. In fact, it's core deep. The key thing so many of us are searching for on this journey isn't really anything you can taste or touch or feel. Fundamentally, it's the same thing that most people are looking for in life. On an emotional level, the goal is to find Happiness. On a deeper, more spiritual level, the goal is Peace. Peace is not the same for each of us. And, there are many different and difficult ingredients involved.

The fact that there is much more going on here than meets the eye is not always obvious. In fact, I'd argue that some people never see it. And, if people don't see that then how can any of us hope to get there? All too often, we end up flailing in the dark at whatever is hurting us most at any particular time, at whatever is the most obvious source of our discomfort. But really, if we stop to consider things, the underlying key here isn't to become anything. It's to find peace. The visible signs or the things we do are only the mechanics of getting there.

For transsexuals, our journey to peace is often to quiet the ringing we hear in our heads for our entire lives, warning us that something is wrong. Some learn to live with it. For others, it gradually gets louder and louder to the point where we cannot continue another day - we're forced to make some difficult decisions to deal with it. Some spend a lifetime ignoring it, or pretending it's not there. Others spend a lifetime trying to camouflage it. Still others find ways to convince themselves it's not there. But in the end do any truly find peace? That's a difficult question that each of us needs to really consider and answer for ourselves.

Spiritual peace. It's a big deal. For many, it's THE deal. It's fundamental to living a self-actualized life. It's worth living and dying for. Is the path there the same for each of us? No. However, I suggest that if you really think about it you'll realize that many of the ingredients are the same. And, I'd also be so bold as to suggest that a key element for truly finding peace lies in asking for (and sometimes even getting) Forgiveness.

For some in our community, the concept of asking for or needing forgiveness is a difficult pill to swallow. We feel we haven't done anything wrong. Technically, that may be true. However, I'd argue that automatically linking forgiveness and "wrong" will lead you in the other direction from peace. The two aren't necessarily related, at least not on a logical level. On a spiritual level, I seriously question whether or not we've reconciled ourselves if we can't come to a point where we can honestly ask for forgiveness.

Why do I suggest this? Because the most difficult thing for many of us to overcome throughout all of this is guilt. Terrible, wracking, gut wrenching, paralyzing guilt. We find ourselves living a lie, trying to be what we perceive is expected of us. Trying to live up to the expectations that others have of us. Trying to avoid the feeling that we're an imposter, that we're not really who and what we purport to be. In the end, once the truth comes out people get hurt. There is pain. There is anger. There is frustration. There is disruption. How do any of us hope to get past being the source of all of this? In a word - Forgiveness.

Forgiveness. It is the antidote for guilt. More than simply a word, as a "thing" it mentally and spiritually it cleanses people of guilt. If we can't see that then how do we expect to come to some sense of peace with the guilt we've carried??? Do we hope it's going to go away by itself? Do we hope to mask it, or pretend it's not there? Do we hope that time will heal it all by itself? If any of those things sound familiar you'll probably recognize that the answer is no.

In my own vernacular there's a difference between forgiveness and apology. For many they are one and the same and an argument that they're not becomes one of semantics, not of substance. To me, they are not. Both represent abstract things that I suppose are similar but different - each has its own purpose. An apology is another way of saying "I'm sorry". It's a statement, and it can often involve asking forgiveness but in the end the two aren't the same. That's the critical distinction. Forgiveness is not a statement - it's a request.

Forgiveness is something given - not taken. It is a frame of mind, a key aspect of closure. And although I think it's important to share that being ourselves isn't directly about doing anything to anyone else, each of us needs to accept that there are direct real and perceived impacts to ourselves and to others in our lives that nobody asked for but which happen anyways. We perceive ourselves to be the source of that sometimes. Coming to terms with this, coming to a sense of closure with our world by seeking whatever odd sense of peace we attain with forgiveness is important. It's more than important - it's critical.

As an abstract concept I'd argue that Forgiveness is akin to Justice, Fairness, Honesty, Goodness, and any number of other deeply held ideals. We're raised from our youngest years believing in these things and the hard thing for many people is to realize that perhaps they may not exist at all. Fairness? Where's the fairness in the world? If we can't see it outright we want to believe that there's some larger plan involved, that things we can't see or can't understand are in play. Maybe so. However, the key here is to see how these key concepts are intertwined in so many things we think and expect on a daily basis.

Key to this discussion: If we need to find peace and if forgiveness is a key ingredient of this journey, then who (or what) needs to provide it? That, my friends, is the question. That is the key.

First and foremost, we seriously need to forgive ourselves. That may seem obvious, but I doubt that many of us ever really consider it like this. Even so, it's often far easier said than done. In the grand scheme of things it's central to truly coming to a sense of peace with yourself. Guilt comes from inside you. Therefore, true forgiveness to relieve the guilt needs to come from inside you too. If we spend our lives looking outside ourselves for it we'll spend a lifetime of futility. It's not out there. It's in each of us. If you do nothing else, make sure to truly forgive yourself.

After a lifetime of guilt, do we expect that revealing our true selves somehow miraculously suddenly causes all that guilt to vanish? If you do then I don't want to be the one to tell you otherwise. You'll find out for yourself. Often, the exact opposite is true. The pain of the guilt we've experienced through hiding our authentic selves is actually compounded by the guilt we now feel because of the impacts our disclosure has on the people in our lives. Although there may be short-term relief or any number of other emotions involved, the pain of the guilt doesn't go away. In fact, for some it becomes more acute. Suddenly, your issue is affecting the people around you, the people you love, the people you'd do anything to protect. How can we reconcile that? It's hard -

Some people need to seek Forgiveness from God (or some spiritual being larger than ourselves). This concept is central to most Western organized religions (penance, anyone?), and I daresay it's hard for many of us to shake those concepts no matter how hard we try. Some have real concerns for the long-term health of their spirit. Even if only a little bit, some are affected by the morality arguments lobbed at anyone who is too different by those who would speak for God. All I can say in this regard is that you will need to find a spiritual path where you have a deep inner confidence that your spirit is in good hands. This is critical to any relationship with God - whether part of organized religion or not.

Sometimes, we need to ask forgiveness from people in our lives. The hardest part for many of us to accept in ourselves about being transgender is the impact - real or perceived, caused or self-inflicted, short-term or long-term - that it has on the people on our life. And, to be sure, it DOES have an impact. To accept us speaks volumes about others just as to reject us does.

Because someone asks forgiveness does that mean they'll get it? Hell no. There are those who would look to perpetuate the guilt that the forgiveness is meant to soothe. That's a whole other issue. The freeing aspect here isn't necessarily getting the forgiveness we're seeking from others - none of us can control that. It's certainly nice to have, but it's actually not the end goal. The key here is getting to the point inside ourselves where we can ask for it. That's where the peace comes from. That's the new learning.

Far too many of us build walls to defend ourselves. We find ourselves under attack from all directions so we do what comes naturally - we harden. We get to a point where we refuse to acknowledge the guilt many of us continue to carry and the pain it continues to cause us, and by shutting others out we unwittingly seal it in. We somehow perceive that seeking forgiveness is an admission of something and that's a very sensitive subject. We see it as a sign of weakness. All these things can be at play. When things get that complicated it becomes difficult to see things for what they really are. In this case, the key is to cut through it all to understand the fundamental issue at hand.

Another aspect to consider is that this process of gaining closure is more than simply going through the motions. Anyone can give themselves forgiveness, or at least think that they do, any time they want. That superficial effort won't get you where you need to be. It doesn't soothe the guilt. I'd even argue that it does more harm than good. You'll know what I mean when you get there....

Another thing - a key element in all of this is time. In one sense I think "maturity" is a good word but it's not really maturity in the traditional sense. The passage of time provides provides some distance between now and then, and that distance provides opportunities to look back on things with a better/clearer perspective. Time gives the past context. Closure takes time. Reconciling difficult issues takes time. Becoming comfortable again after life-altering change takes time. When is it enough time? You'll know. If you're in tune with yourself and the people around you you'll know who and when and what you need to do.

To seek forgiveness is to relinquish control. It is to ask for something from outside yourself. It is to realize that our own world is affected by others. At a time when far too many of us turn inwards the very notion of asking for something from outside ourselves is a good reminder that we affect and are affected by others. If nothing else, those kinds of reminders help us to keep things in perspective. If approached the right way, I think many will find it can provide a whole lot more.